All teh progess

Recently I've been on a bit of a mission to work on some of the things on a skateboard I kind of derped over in my efforts to do ever faster colemans into the corner at peep. Fully including any sort of breaking of traction minus the application of hand to road. Imagine if the "longest standy" phenomenon had actually been a "longest coleman going slightly left" one. I'd probably be bringing out my own pro model internet router or spell check device. Anyway:

The standzorz are go. Heelside 180's regular and switch are getting more comfortable, and now without needing to use a kicktail to just shove it round. That was the first thing I wanted to do. I wanted something to feel super locked into without having to use the kicks, and a Chopper 3D fits nicely. I've been skating it for a little while and jumping onto my Sequel for a run was really strange because the concave is so much less gnarly.

Yellow Chronicles were the other bit of the "If I'm going to learn this stuff it's going to be on that" board, and they were less crazy than I was expecting them to be, a lot like slidier classics. The release is really one of the things that's been useful, because I wanted something that would still "go" even if I lamed out a little (a lot) and didn't really commit to the slide enough. I've still had some ground cuddles though. 

On this board I've been generally sliding a lot, not worrying too much about going fast but just trying to relax and play around. I've never felt more comfortable technique wise, which is really nice. One of the things I've been doing is trying to be a little higher when putting a hand down for a heelside slide, because you really can't control the slide much from low down. Similar story with going toeside, with anything that way most people are a bit stressed about hooking up and going over, so a lot of us put more weight on our hands or have it really far away. It kills the control similar to a heelside slide, but it's also pretty hard to hold yourself up if your arm is too far away or all bent up or whatever. So I've been doing a lot of them to build confidence and therefore have better technique, and then also making my arms stronger in the gym has helped if I do lame the technique a bit or get tired over a session.

Heres some shots of a thing we did, I had an epic clown mask and thought it might make for some cool images despite my skating efforts, so I asked the Right Honourable Will Mackenzie if he could take some photos. It was really weird to skate in, the eye holes were so small I couldn't see much, it was like some fairly awkward tunnel vision action. Anyway, heres some of what Will got, I edited the first two and Will edited the last one. 

I've been watching Will Edgecombe's "Scrumping" a lot recently. I really look up to the sliding in this video, even if it came out a while ago now it motivates me more than ever before, given the direction I'm trying to go in. Check it out.

Will

Art, Skate and The Actual Gym

ART

Specifically still trying to create things faster and better without having to think so much throughout. The latest thing I made was something that makes me feel I'm going in the right direction with regards to the kind of work I want to be making. It's a portrait made from a range of elements from other projects.  There is a lot wrong- as always, but the process was better-chucking lots of things into a photoshop file and putting them together in a more experimental and committed way. The style is getting better, still quite weak and constrained but with some areas that look more effective and free. Things to work on- generating textures and assets for a project rather than grabbing them from old random things, and finally doing more paint and mixed media portraits.

SKATE

The stand up thing! It's on. Slowly. Really slowly and awkwardly on. Getting over being fucking terrible at it, one abysmal 180 at a time. Pretty much the only thing I can do in terms of downhill is put together an ok run of peep. An ok run of peep is just put in a big slide and don't fall off, so I've only really been working on big not very technique heavy slides into a corner and not falling off. And it is time to expand! Grabbed a Chopper 3D from lush to feel as locked in as possible- will hopefully inspire confidence! Need to get a basic grounding in sliding each way standup and then from there it's just improve those things. What I've done before is have a little go every now and then, get discouraged, and don't build a platform to work on. Do I sound like an idiot if I say I see people doing 360's and things and really want to do that? We'll see what happens! Enjoying a lot so far.

THE ACTUAL GYM

I don't know if I've written anything about this. Anyway, joining a gym was a really big deal for me, I was fully nervous. Some thoughts were- am I going to be kind of wandering around and feeling really awkward? Am I going to feel too self conscious to do what you have to do to become less weak as fuck? Am I going to be able to keep this up or will I quit and feel terrible?

So on the first point, wandering around and being a bit awkward. That's something a lot of us do. For me I was nervous of figuring out where everything was, I didn't want to be looking lost and out of place. I booked up an induction/tour and it's surprising how quickly you pick up where things are. This was the first step in my head, figure out where things are and feel more comfortable going about what you're doing due to that. I'm really into irrationally stressing out over new things and places, but being more accepting of that frees you up to figure out ways of dealing with it, rather than being down over dumb shit being bigger to you than other people.

The second point, about feeling self conscious and being super weak. The main things that you learn that mitigate this are, firstly, for the most part people are paying attention to their own stuff. Secondly, once you do something that you thought would be really embarrassing- I've sat on a seated row machine, reached forward, grabbed the thing you're supposed to hold, gone to pull it back and realised that the handle in fact is on the floor and needs to be attached to the machine, what I have got hold of is a part of the machine itself-you notice that nothing that bad happens. A massive arrow doesn't appear over your head saying "Professional Wasteman on tour, tickets available now". Thirdly, doing anything for a while usually makes it feel more natural and less like you're going to have to go into a corner and dig a tunnel through the floor and out of there.

The third point, I had a clear idea that I wanted to figure out where the things I needed were, what I was going to do with them, then put that into a kind of routine, and gradually get into doing that each week. New things are a lot less scary when you transition into them at a rate you feel comfortable, and it's not a negative thing if you have to do things really slowly. The main point is that you get to do what you want.

Progress in all areas, feeling good about that.

High fives.

Will

Some writing

1.

A man and a woman occupy a sparse, grey cell. They are asleep on two beds, placed at either end of the room. A lion rests in the corner.

Life disturbs the mans face. A few seconds pass. His eyes lift open.

Guy:

“whha” 

The sound has a tone of questioning. He rises to a sit, and stares with slack expression at the wall. A few minutes pass. The mans face tightens, and his head leans to the side.

Guy:

“Am I dead?”

The wall gives nothing away.

Guy:

”Yeah?”

The wall remains silent.

(Pause)

Guy: 

“Well fuck you then!”

The wall is unmoved. The conversation disturbs the girl across the room. A sharp intake of breath follows, as she rushes to a seated position on the side of the bed. Her eyes are wide and a smile is present, before it realises it has no reason to be there and leaves in a hurry. Her eyes fix on the other human.

Girl:

“Where am I?”

Guy:

(Turning with surprise) “Oh.” (Pause) “Hello.”

Girl:

(Looking around) “Where am I?”

Guy:

(shrugs) “I dunno.”

Girl:

(sharply) “For fucks sake.”

The girl goes for the door. It’s locked. She thumps it a few times. Theres nothing there.

The man turns to the wall. 

Guy:

“Maybe we’re dead.”

The girl looks at him. Her mouth is slightly open and her eyes narrow a little. She says nothing.

Guy: 

“Maybe it’s like that thing between-“ (turns) “what?”

Girl:

“What happened?”

Guy:

“I don’t know.”

Pause.

Girl:

(impatiently) “I want to go.”

Guy:

“Yeah...”

Girl:

“Yes.”

The man shrugs again. The girl thumps the door. Silence. 

The girl returns to her bed.

Guy:

“Probably be here in a sec.”

Girl:

“I fucking hope so. What were we doing?”

There is a long pause. Thinking happens. Something is found.

Guy:

“Party.”

Girl:

“Party.”

Silence.

Girl:

“Yeah.” (pause) “It was shit.”

Guy:

“Can’t have been that shit.”

Pause.

Girl:

“I left.”

Pause.

Guy:

“I left too.”

Silence.

Guy:

“What were you drinking?”

Girl:

“Everything.”

Guy:

“Why?”

Girl:

“I was tired.”

Long pause.

Guy:

“Why were you tired?”

Girl:

“My arms hurt.”

Guy:

”Why did your arms hurt?”

Girl:

“Some guy wouldn’t stop asking me stupid questions so I smashed his head against a wall until he shut up.”

Silence.

Guy:

“I was only asking.”

Girl:

“Eh?”

More silence. The girl looks over at the door. The man looks at the floor. The wall stands awkwardly.

Girl:

“Did we do something wrong?”

The man looks up. He shrugs.

Girl:

“I bet it was your fault.”

Guy:

(hurt) “Why?”

Girl:

”You look shifty.”

Guy:

(still hurt) “Cheers.” (pause) “Maybe I’d prefer it if we didn’t talk.”

Girl:

“Ok.”

A few minutes pass. Theres no sign of life beyond the door.

Guy:

“Maybe they forgot about us.”

Girl:

(considering) “Maybe. I watched a documentary about it.”

Guy:

“About what?”

Girl:

“This.”

Guy:

“What happened?”

Girl:

“Somebody got left in a police cell. They were in there for three weeks.”

Guy:

“Jesus. What happened to them?”

Girl:

“They died.”

(Pause)

Guy:

“Right.”

(Another Pause)

Girl:

“It was in America though.”

Guy:

“Oh.”

There is a long period of silence. The girl thinks about trying to lighten the mood. The man wonders if he’s still sleeping.

The wall wishes it was somewhere else.

Super generic skate stuff

When was the last time anyone reviewed some piece of downhill gear and was like "You know what, fuck this, don't buy it"? I suppose aside from the quarterly kickstarters that seem to throughly celebrate the act of being a wasteman it's difficult to find something truly diabolical.

If somebody bought a Risch and then skated like a watermelon would it affect sales?

Is it always going to be the case that the range of decks for going fast will have a fair degree of shape variation?

Will we ever get to the point where we're like "you know we could keep making griptape grippier but do we really need to?"

You can't spot mindless boards from a distance now.

I'm new to trying to manage how I think about things. In skateboarding it is to a large extent a balancing act involving more or less entirely conflicting thought processes and an exercise in understanding and directing them.

I find it pretty much comes down to being content or wanting to do more.

So for me a useful balance draws on both, veering more toward one or the other based on what is more useful at the time. Being completely content means temporary happiness but later on feeling like there was something missed in terms of adding to what can be done. Wanting to do more without feeling any positivity for what you can already do is an endless disappointment.

It's a case of managing expectation and mindset to achieve the best balance on a spectrum of thought that contains a lack of overall enjoyment at both ends. To manage the way you approach something isn't always possible but learning to do so can be tremendously beneficial. It is also worth considering the way you think about something when you aren't actually doing it.

Sometimes I can't watch any videos of people skating. At those times the thought process is to do with not being able to do something how you would like, and it's too much to even look at the thing. And then it's thinking along the lines of "do I really need this?" Like making art, when I consider it properly, I don't think theres going to be a point where I stop skating.

I don't think I'm ever going to be interested in races without closed roads. I'm not sure if I'm going to be interested in racing at any point, anywhere. I don't see much to find out, I think it would only be entertaining on certain tracks.

I'm pretty excited for the year- without setting out too much, theres a lot of stuff to mess around with. Some different focuses and trying to look at all areas of skating.

Disposability, art and downhill

With stuff you've never taken far before theres a freedom within your lack of expectation. You don't fuck anything up and think you should have done better. 

I used to be completely fucking shit at art, and when I decided I really wanted to do something about that, for a while I really enjoyed the stuff I was doing because I remembered how shit it was to be endlessly useless and to get results that I was ok with was beyond anything I could have expected. 

Then something weird happened. Making artwork became less and less fun because I had an expectation that wasn't there before. I was spending a lot of time trying to make things "good" and then when I was done I'd look at them and not really feel much because I thought that I should be able to do better.

I've rediscovered enjoying art through a project I've been working on, that has involved making a lot of art, quickly, with commitment to each mark. It was really weird at first but embracing just going in with a material and seeing what happens has made the art thing really most awesome to do again. 

Here's some stuff I was actually happy with, because I was creating them quickly and going straight in with charcoal or pen. Theres loads and loads of full on travesties in the book I'm working in, but doing things in this way means I'm not disappointed when that happens.

So I'm enjoying art in a way I haven't for ages, and I'd like to enjoy downhill in a new way again too. 

It's a similar thing, when I mess around on a double kick or play around with trying stand up stuff, I have no expectation of what I should be able to do, so all of it feels fun. Downhill gets away from me because I put pressure on myself, and I'd like to be done with that because I enjoy it so much but sometimes I've felt like I'm on the way to not doing it any more.

 I usually end up watching one of these and realising that I couldn't really not do this thing in some capacity, even a bit of a lame one.

Art and Skateboarding and my mind

Here we are again, I am writing rather than sleeping.

I don't usually write everything here, I try to anticipate what I might regret writing. Anyway, if I was feeling fine I wouldn't be writing here I would be dreaming of things.

It's usually the same things that screw my brain over. I like making art and skateboarding because it bring me out of my mind where I get lost quite a bit. My mind has some features that can be useful, like if I'm feeling good and inspired I can be really productive making things. When I'm not feeling good it translates I think quite obviously into my ability to do things.

I've been having a hard time getting out of bed for a while, this is a bit due to not sleeping much and a bit down to not really waking up very well. I'm used to not feeling very good in the evening, which is now pretty much every one, but now pretty much every morning I have to tell myself that I should get out of bed because of something. And I don't know what to tell myself because I know that I could stay in bed all day and it wouldn't make a blip on a radar anywhere. I'm sorry if that doesn't sound nice but it's how it is. I'm having a hard time getting myself and my mind going in the direction I need to be a better person because even when I do something good I feel bad for being happy at something so small.

So at some point I'm out of bed and I learn, I'm trying to educate myself in the things I want for uni in the summer. I do good hours because that's a bit of my mind that is useful, I like to absorb things and learn. I should feel happy but I don't really because some things are missing.

Heres some stuff I've been making.

The upside to having no life and spending a lot of time and effort on art things is that my work has got a lot better than it was before. I couldn't have done any of this, even these just kind of little things, until quite recently.

I had a good skate today, a good few hours just working on things in the sun. It hasn't been dry for ages but I'm back skating now since it has been a few times this week. Skateboarding makes me so happy because it's something I know how to interact with, I feel good about what I'm doing when I'm doing it.

 I can do some stuff on double kicks that I really enjoy, mostly boneless things because boneless ones rock all day every day. I always thought in my mind I just wanted to learn some way of leaving the ground and along the way I learnt how to just try things on a skateboard and really enjoy it so much more than ever before. Skateboarding has always been there since I found it, and I love that I've never been more creative in how I'm interacting with it.

 In terms of downhill, I got into a nice zone last year. Theres one or two things I know that I want to look at in terms of my setups, like looking at finally grabbing some 38 plates for the fast stuff on my sequel. I'm really interested in making this a good year for sliding, I'd like to learn a whole load of new stuff and can't wait to see what I can do. Theres so much I want to learn and I have the time and perseverance to do it. I still love skateboarding even after having such a long time recently not being able to do it because of the general badness of the weather.

anyway, I don't know who reads these but if I sounded all a bit sad earlier it's because I was, and if I sound better now it's because I am. And that is why I make art, skate and write stuff on the internet.

I'm really tired now so I'm going to sleep. I think that people function better when they are happy and that's what I'm going for in every bit of my life, so watch this space for that or a right big mess of art and skating and talking shit

will

post leaving

At my college, the first one, I was fairly happy because I was able to manage the feeling thats probably been around to my mind since secondary school but maybe earlier. I'm saying that because even though at my second college, even though I wasn't happy there and it was the right decision to leave to reapply this year, I wasn't really bad because I had some kind of "thing" that was there and what I did.

Since leaving it has been difficult in a lot of ways. I can't talk about everything here. Really, a lot of it is that I need to feel like I'm doing ok, and being at a place and doing something, even if it's right to leave, that is something. But since leaving I don't feel that good. My days now, I'm putting good hours into learning. I'm progressing my work in a lot of areas as quickly as I ever have done so I should feel good about that. I'm learning better than if I had stayed at my college, which I should feel really good about. I have a capacity to study and absorb material and this is one of the features of my mind that is useful.

So I am doing better in terms of learning than at the course I was on. So I should feel great, I shouldn't be worried. The thing is though, my evenings are not very good and I'm not sleeping very well because I don't feel great. I've been in a good zone before where I could sleep quite early and wake up quite early. Now though, it's not so much like I get to the end of the day and think, "ok that's done", theres a lack of signing off ability because I'm trying to feel good about myself and not finding it. My mind seems to want to address and fix everything but I really just need to be asleep. You can't fix much on your own in a room at one or two in the morning. It's like waiting for something even though I know there's no point. So at some point I do sleep, and the morning rolls around but it's difficult to get the feeling together to get up. Partly because if your hours are different, they're different, but also there's a lack of good feeling.

Having a good kind of feeling is how you bounce through all of the bits of life that are just a bit obstructive without getting to down about any of it.

Anyway so I normally don't start doing productive things until about 12. I'll usually go until about 5, since that's when people get back and usually the space I'm working in doesn't become so appealing just because I like to have a bit of space. Sometimes, if I'm creating something and I'm really into it I'll go until whenever it's done, if I want to get it done. I'm trying not to do what I did before and start working in the late afternoon and go until midnight because I feel too wired to sleep.

I look at online resources, read and watch traditional and digital artists, photographers e.t.c talk about the work they are doing and the knowledge they have. I spend a lot of time creating in a range of media including traditional and digital paint, photography, pencil drawing and pen drawing. My artwork now is so much better than even a month ago, and compared to a year or two it's in another universe completely. It's not "good", but I can see the progress I am making.

So if I just look at the numbers and the progression of my work, I am doing better than if I stayed at Northbrook. There, I was in two and a half days a week, now I am putting in many more hours in more areas and seeing the results. So I know that I don't need a "place" to work hard and progress what I love doing, which is a cool thing. But I do miss, mostly from my first college since I was there a while longer, just kind of being in an environment with people doing the same kind of things I'm doing. I really like people because I think they are good for me, I think people kind of bring me out of my mind where I'm probably (definitely) really overthinking something and not all that much existing in the real world.

I really like writing like this, I know it's not really the done thing (ha) to be all that honest with how you are feeling, writing online, but it's good for me because I always feel better after expressing a few things. I also think by putting something "out there" I can help create an environment where people feel more like talking about things instead of just putting up with feeling shit.

I had a cold this week, and people understand that because you're coughing or whatever. If you're not feeling great, it affects how you go about your day too. However, writing this, I feel a good difference compared to before writing this. I'm going to get more stuff done today, I do feel a bit tired but I'll probably find some lunch and then start doing things.

The weather outside is really shit and it makes it colder indoors too, but our house isn't full of water.


will