what I want

 

I've always thought that people who rely on the new year for some kind of new start are really a bit dumb. A date ticks over and people hope it will bring some new thing. And then I'm sitting here now hoping for that. I thought it so stupid before so to be hoping for it I suppose shows to me how not content I am with things now.

 

I think if you can think about what you want and tick things off when you achieve them you can feel better about yourself. So some goals, I wont write them as definite because I never really can set things that I intend to go for for definite.

 

Next year I want

 

Some kind of job. I'd be a bit proud of myself then, I'd feel like somebody, more.

 

To make it to the vandem freeride

 

To have something other than skateboarding that makes me feel properly happy and like I'm making something happen.

 

To generally be happier. So many days I just have no motivation, when I'm away from college and skateboarding I really feel shit too much of the time. It's not good, and I don't want this. I suppose now I realise that I've spent a while like how I feel now, with too many shit days.

 

Thing is, I don't know the order of how to go about achieving these things. Would having a job make me feel like less of a shit person? How would I feel like going out and doing that if I feel as I do now? How do I get motivation when for too long now I've had so little?

 

I want to be happy, employed (however small), motivated and skating as much as I can.

 

I've got a cv, and theres a few in my bag. I printed one ages ago and it's taken so long to even think and put one in my bag. A lot of the time I just don't think, and then feel shit about whatever later. I suppose you could call that some kind of step, although to think of that as one makes me feel pretty useless.

 

I've had a policy recently of just trying to avoid writing on the internet when I feel shit, and I think this very post is a reason why I decided to do that.