next up

We got our A Level results, I came out with an A* in my english lang/lit to go with the two A's for my Art Btec. I managed to 100% one of the units in english which is something cool.

And now it's on to the next thing, and that for me is a foundation degree in Graphic Design down at Northbrook, Worthing. A foundation degree is a two year course. You can leave at the end of the two years with the foundation degree, or stay a third year and make it a degree, or I believe hit up a top up course somewhere else. I don't see much point in not having the degree.

I had a bit of a wobble on it and having a think on why it's because I want to be sure I'm making some kind of step. As in, I'm hitting up a uni course run by a college. In terms of caring for opinion I try to do my own thing whilst paying attention to the thoughts of the right people. And to that end, I don't know how closely the thought is to that, but "people" (that way you express the thoughts you perceive in the vaguest possible way, I know), "people" have the idea you're not really "going" to University. And immune as I think I am to most negative thoughts that come my way (and most of the time all too caught up by the unhelpful thoughts of my own to pay any attention), the idea gets to me.

It gets to me because I want to be moving on to better things, because much of the time, particularly evenings such as this I don't feel so happy with myself, and I don't feel all that like a person of the world who does things and is part of much, even when I get something done I often struggle to recognise it and get the happiness from it. And if you are struggling to get the sense of achievement even when genuinely earned it's difficult to have a set of things you can look at and say "I do this so it's ok to not be cheerful now, because there are good things that I do and am". It's like perhaps why some people keep epic paintings on the wall, a comfort in that however they feel now, look at that! Look how good that is! That makes this ok.

It's funny in that I try to be independently minded with regards to so much but in terms of (vague term) "feeling like a real person", I can't help but look at what "everybody else" is doing and compare it to myself, and the comparison isn't favourable. The list of things that I've got usually ends up skating, riding my bike, and making art stuff. The art, drawings to photos and photoshop work is most often due to it being quite a nice escape from thought and place, not that I'm located anywhere particularly disagreeable to me, the disagreement coming from that being here reminds me that I am me, here, as now. I've been doing a lot of art lately, since I've needed a lot of escape and sense of productivity being on holiday. I'd rather have been at college instead, which says a lot for how I like the sense of being somewhere and doing something. I liked the sense of place, and I got to see people, and not being there certainly takes from that, not in itself, naturally, a good deal is down to me.

At college, I spent so many hours doing work to make myself feel better. When it came to looking at uni courses, I was predicted to come out with a B-C for art. My english was going to come out at a B unless I retook something. I spent a lot of time on my work, due to an absence of other things. Late on I spent a lot of time in the library instead of being on holiday, perhaps work and a sense of productivity in that way serves as company. Anyway, in art particularly I've sat for years and seen how good "everybody else" (yeah that vague term again) has been. I can appreciate so much what I see but my result almost doesn't quite feel real because I have this notion that I didn't really do anything but put the time in, and I put more time in than other people because I knew I wasn't out there doing the real person thing as they were, so I buried myself in work to try to give me something and forget how I was. I've spent so much time mostly as a distraction.

Anyway, whats next then? In a few weeks I'll be into my college at Northbrook. I'll hopefully be able to spend a lot of time on macs and in the place making stuff. I'll hopefully be learning things and moving on. I'd like to be taking the train to Brighton some evenings without planning it and sitting around on the beach before going home. I'd like to feel like going places and visiting people and going somewhere just to see something nice and have something to eat.  I'm going to learn everything I can about image manipulation and photography, graphic design, illustration, skateboarding, the world, people, places. A lot of my time is spent reading about things that I don't need to know but have a vague interest in and I'll keep doing that. I'd like to find more music and books, and I think it would be cool to make it out into the world a bit. A lot of the time I don't feel all that like a real person in the world and that's where perhaps a lot of the weirdness comes from. If anyone is here and is at this point I should say I appreciate anyone that sticks around and is cool.

Happy fridays.

will