5th january

Hi.

So recently I've been spending a lot of time making artwork. I think it will be great if I can make this into a "career", I mean I find the word a little weird, I find it kind of implies gunning for just moving up ladders.

Thats not really where I care about going, right now at least I just like to progress the work I can do, and if I can support myself through making art that will be very cool. If you know me you'll know that for sure I'm not one of those naturally really fluent fine artists. I'm getting better, the work I can do now, even if you just take like a pencil sketch, is in another world to where I was even six months ago. That's a thing that I've improved.

Currently, I'm finding a lot of the time when I'm not directly making art a little bit difficult. This is down to a few things which I'm going to talk about and a few things which I'm not. This kind of writing, talking, helps me out. It's not so much to be read, although I put this out there because I feel that as people, we really suck at admitting when we're finding things tricky because we're worried about what people will think. Well, I don't really mind.

Right now, the weather has been quite bad for a while, and this has more or less removed the going skateboarding bit of my life. Skating when it's wet I don't find that good, so I haven't been doing it. The weather will get better.

I've found for a while that creating artwork suits my kind of nature which is determined to try but kind of not very good at the real life parts of life. I really like it because I can be lost for hours in creating something, and for me it's like putting my mind on holiday. Even though a lot of the time I'm thinking really hard about how to make a piece of artwork improve, I'm not sitting there thinking about all of the ways I'm rubbish as a person.

I get anxious over things like a lot of people do. I'm applying to university this year, so I've applied to five different ones. I've got two interviews coming up so far. When the first one came up, I read the date wrong, and thought it was in a week rather than a month and a bit. I was very nervous very quickly. For a good four days or so I hadn't realised my mistake so I was stressing out in the kind of most not useful way.

What that showed me though was how quickly things can tetris in your mind. And when I realised the mistake and realised that I do have time to prepare a portfolio and sort myself out, there was a very sudden bit of clarity which showed me how I had been caught a bit.

So the second interview offer comes in yesterday, and the stress is there for a little bit but I'm also kind of excited. I think I'm starting to be able to put things in compartments in my mind. As in sometimes I can't help stressing about something, such as an interview, but if I can relax myself I can see that thinking over and over about an interview, how I'm going to get there and what I'm going to say is not the productive thing because I need to put that away for a moment and sort my portfolio out first.

This is the essence of it that I have struggled before because I think that if I let myself forget about something then I'll mess up. A lot of the time I don't have an easy time relaxing, I want to know what is going to happen and if I'm uncertain I feel quite scared. If you spend a lot of time without people the only person to interact with is yourself, and if your own mind isn't really helping you out it can be a little tricky.

Anyway I'm going to post this about now. It's a little late and I want to get up kind of early and have a good day. I'm choosing bits of work to put into my portfolio, it's kind of funny because so much of the stuff from my last one, well I have no idea how it got me onto a course. But I'll probably think that later on about this one. And that means I'm getting somewhere. I just done a full on, pleased with myself smile which hasn't happened for a bit.

Lastly, thanks to the people that understand and cheers to anyone being nice. Really small actions can make so much difference to how you feel.

Keeping trying and going forward. You all rock.

Will :)