I don't usually write everything here, I try to anticipate what I might regret writing. Anyway, if I was feeling fine I wouldn't be writing here I would be dreaming of things.
It's usually the same things that screw my brain over. I like making art and skateboarding because it bring me out of my mind where I get lost quite a bit. My mind has some features that can be useful, like if I'm feeling good and inspired I can be really productive making things. When I'm not feeling good it translates I think quite obviously into my ability to do things.
I've been having a hard time getting out of bed for a while, this is a bit due to not sleeping much and a bit down to not really waking up very well. I'm used to not feeling very good in the evening, which is now pretty much every one, but now pretty much every morning I have to tell myself that I should get out of bed because of something. And I don't know what to tell myself because I know that I could stay in bed all day and it wouldn't make a blip on a radar anywhere. I'm sorry if that doesn't sound nice but it's how it is. I'm having a hard time getting myself and my mind going in the direction I need to be a better person because even when I do something good I feel bad for being happy at something so small.
So at some point I'm out of bed and I learn, I'm trying to educate myself in the things I want for uni in the summer. I do good hours because that's a bit of my mind that is useful, I like to absorb things and learn. I should feel happy but I don't really because some things are missing.
Heres some stuff I've been making.
The upside to having no life and spending a lot of time and effort on art things is that my work has got a lot better than it was before. I couldn't have done any of this, even these just kind of little things, until quite recently.
I had a good skate today, a good few hours just working on things in the sun. It hasn't been dry for ages but I'm back skating now since it has been a few times this week. Skateboarding makes me so happy because it's something I know how to interact with, I feel good about what I'm doing when I'm doing it.
I can do some stuff on double kicks that I really enjoy, mostly boneless things because boneless ones rock all day every day. I always thought in my mind I just wanted to learn some way of leaving the ground and along the way I learnt how to just try things on a skateboard and really enjoy it so much more than ever before. Skateboarding has always been there since I found it, and I love that I've never been more creative in how I'm interacting with it.
In terms of downhill, I got into a nice zone last year. Theres one or two things I know that I want to look at in terms of my setups, like looking at finally grabbing some 38 plates for the fast stuff on my sequel. I'm really interested in making this a good year for sliding, I'd like to learn a whole load of new stuff and can't wait to see what I can do. Theres so much I want to learn and I have the time and perseverance to do it. I still love skateboarding even after having such a long time recently not being able to do it because of the general badness of the weather.
anyway, I don't know who reads these but if I sounded all a bit sad earlier it's because I was, and if I sound better now it's because I am. And that is why I make art, skate and write stuff on the internet.
I'm really tired now so I'm going to sleep. I think that people function better when they are happy and that's what I'm going for in every bit of my life, so watch this space for that or a right big mess of art and skating and talking shit
will
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