post leaving

At my college, the first one, I was fairly happy because I was able to manage the feeling thats probably been around to my mind since secondary school but maybe earlier. I'm saying that because even though at my second college, even though I wasn't happy there and it was the right decision to leave to reapply this year, I wasn't really bad because I had some kind of "thing" that was there and what I did.

Since leaving it has been difficult in a lot of ways. I can't talk about everything here. Really, a lot of it is that I need to feel like I'm doing ok, and being at a place and doing something, even if it's right to leave, that is something. But since leaving I don't feel that good. My days now, I'm putting good hours into learning. I'm progressing my work in a lot of areas as quickly as I ever have done so I should feel good about that. I'm learning better than if I had stayed at my college, which I should feel really good about. I have a capacity to study and absorb material and this is one of the features of my mind that is useful.

So I am doing better in terms of learning than at the course I was on. So I should feel great, I shouldn't be worried. The thing is though, my evenings are not very good and I'm not sleeping very well because I don't feel great. I've been in a good zone before where I could sleep quite early and wake up quite early. Now though, it's not so much like I get to the end of the day and think, "ok that's done", theres a lack of signing off ability because I'm trying to feel good about myself and not finding it. My mind seems to want to address and fix everything but I really just need to be asleep. You can't fix much on your own in a room at one or two in the morning. It's like waiting for something even though I know there's no point. So at some point I do sleep, and the morning rolls around but it's difficult to get the feeling together to get up. Partly because if your hours are different, they're different, but also there's a lack of good feeling.

Having a good kind of feeling is how you bounce through all of the bits of life that are just a bit obstructive without getting to down about any of it.

Anyway so I normally don't start doing productive things until about 12. I'll usually go until about 5, since that's when people get back and usually the space I'm working in doesn't become so appealing just because I like to have a bit of space. Sometimes, if I'm creating something and I'm really into it I'll go until whenever it's done, if I want to get it done. I'm trying not to do what I did before and start working in the late afternoon and go until midnight because I feel too wired to sleep.

I look at online resources, read and watch traditional and digital artists, photographers e.t.c talk about the work they are doing and the knowledge they have. I spend a lot of time creating in a range of media including traditional and digital paint, photography, pencil drawing and pen drawing. My artwork now is so much better than even a month ago, and compared to a year or two it's in another universe completely. It's not "good", but I can see the progress I am making.

So if I just look at the numbers and the progression of my work, I am doing better than if I stayed at Northbrook. There, I was in two and a half days a week, now I am putting in many more hours in more areas and seeing the results. So I know that I don't need a "place" to work hard and progress what I love doing, which is a cool thing. But I do miss, mostly from my first college since I was there a while longer, just kind of being in an environment with people doing the same kind of things I'm doing. I really like people because I think they are good for me, I think people kind of bring me out of my mind where I'm probably (definitely) really overthinking something and not all that much existing in the real world.

I really like writing like this, I know it's not really the done thing (ha) to be all that honest with how you are feeling, writing online, but it's good for me because I always feel better after expressing a few things. I also think by putting something "out there" I can help create an environment where people feel more like talking about things instead of just putting up with feeling shit.

I had a cold this week, and people understand that because you're coughing or whatever. If you're not feeling great, it affects how you go about your day too. However, writing this, I feel a good difference compared to before writing this. I'm going to get more stuff done today, I do feel a bit tired but I'll probably find some lunch and then start doing things.

The weather outside is really shit and it makes it colder indoors too, but our house isn't full of water.


will