so

so, what I am doing now is sitting, fairly contented, listening to some music I've never heard before. This is very different to sitting, not contented, and listening to some music (whether i've heard it before or not.)

But is contented really the right word? Perhaps just dumbly happy is better. Because if you, as I all too often find myself, sit and think about the various things in life, you do tend to encounter in your mind all the little shitty details which, in a similar way to how cars on a motorway jam up when theres too much weight of traffic, clog together and slow everything down. And then you feel shit. But perhaps feeling shit should be reserved for those special occasions when something shit has happened. I mean why sit and feel shit due to small details just because you thought about them all in one go? Better to reserve the feeling for when something properly shit has happened.

So dumbly happy it is then. Because im not spending time weighing up various things, or thinking about what I could have done differently in a given scenario, or the many other routes to finally falling asleep at whatever hour of the morning. During the long summer break, I was usually not asleep before 2, because of the massive long time that I didnt really fill with much apart from some really good skateboarding and a most excellent trip to Cornwall resulting in much time spent thinking in a not very useful way.

A useful way to think is one which ends up with you doing something, and recently i've been putting a lot of effort into my art, and then that is paying off. I worked hard to make painting fun, and then I finally managed to start painting things I liked a bit. And then i've spent the same time on drawing (pastilles, pencils, biro), and thats started to be fun and a good process. Sitting and listening to music at the dining room table in a zone where all you have in front of you is a nice space for putting your thoughts directly into some kind of form in some kind of media.

Music i've just found is Maybeshewill http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EkS_JotL-4
and i'm quite pleased to have found it because it's bloody excellent.

The new muse album is not for me (I dont know who it's for actually).

But yeah, thinking, thinking can be pointless and a waste of time, energy and life but thinking and then doing something useful is very good indeed. Not always very good, or even good, but at least productive. Doing stuff in the world is good. You get fuck all for sitting and thinking about how much of a twat you are, so i've realised, after much deliberation. You do not get much out of thinking how you could have done something differently, not done something, done something, not said something, said something better or not said something at all. You can go and do stuff, and maybe have some kind of positive impact on somebody elses day in the present. You can make stuff, create stuff and enjoy stuff.

Im sure by tomorrow i'll have lost whatever these thoughts are now and im sitting here listening to whatever thinking over things in a pointless way. I distinctly remember three evenings in a row I was chilling in a happy manner, and I noted this fact at the time but i've forgotten when they were. So yeah, the secret to being dumbly happy is not thinking about things in a way in which just wastes you, but doing stuff in the world, in the present that is creative and productive and useful.

Anyway, thats enough. Time to read through and see if i've made any sense even to myself.

.

Read through. I think it makes sense.

.